Su wants to get married

su wants to get married. why? i ask. because she wants a ohh-so-cute kid, because then she'll never be lonely, because she wants companionship, because she'll have a family of her own, home of her own, because she wants to be loved, because.... she goes on.

all my efforts to convince her that marriage is after all not that great a thing to do to oneself has not changed her mind yet. i say this 'yet' but i know it'll never change her mind. because she's always wanted that. she's grown up in this enviornment and she's moulded up a certain way to be the individual that she is today. she has so much love to give and she wants to do so much for everybody, its only natural she wants someone very special for that. and then she's this age when hormones and chemical play havoc in your life and make seemingly sane people insane and basically blind, and then all of us want to get married and 'settle down'.

okay, so su also wants to settle down. basically being tied down by the chains of household duties and chores, obligations, expectations, compromises, sacrifices, adjustments, and all such words that you can think of. people lose themselves in marriages (said by a very famous person and i agree). they lose their identity, their self, their own being, the person that they are. they change or try to change so much just to go a day without fighting. or they just give up and lose all interest and just avoid the other person to avoid an unpleasant encounter. both ways, both people can never be that same person that they were.

did i digress too much...now back to su. she goes to these sites, uploads her profile and then comes back and cribs.."nam i cant marry any of these guys on these sites, they're so give up. just take a look at them. how can i marry them?" and i seize this opportunity for my anti-marriage campaign and she tries to defend the institution and it goes on.

and then she has this beautiful criterion. "if i dont feel like hugging a guy when i see him, i cant marry him". i found it quite funny when i first heard it but then it does make sense, doesnt it? i mean thats the least you expect from a person you would want to spend the rest of your days and nights with.

i try to convince her that marriage is a very big price to pay for these small joys which you derive for a very short time. but to no avail. i guess ill just wish her all the best in her endeavor and hope all goes well. after all, there are no perfect recipes for marriage or to even finding a partner for yourself.

except that, when you marry, you must know what you're getting into and with whom you're getting into it. again as the very famous person said, "you cant marry an engineer and then think, 'no i want her to be a doctor because i always wanted a doctor'. then you should have married a doctor in the first place." and marry for the right reasons, not just for sex or babies or because you think there's nothing else left to do.

and then just be prepared.

finally this is what i tell su (and she hates me for it), "you should marry atleast once, just to see if you are made for it or not. then you can make the best decision." :)

Contradictions

"Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong." , Fransisco d'Anconia says this to Dagny in Atlas Shrugged.

Dagny is perplexed by the paradox Fransisco has become. she cant comrehend why a man of his brilliance and standing would squander himself away as a playboy. he tells her that if she doesnt think it possible then its really not possible. he cant be both these persons at once. there must be something that Dagny is yet to see, one of her premises is wrong.

this is the novel i swear by and this line is my favourite from the book, after ofcourse, the one that appears in the header. if you take time to think about it, you'll see that its true. atleast i vouch for its hunderd percent veracity.

and that is the reason why i stand against myself today.

i read this line and i could see that there is such a big, blatant contradiction in my life. in today's date, this contradiction is what is guiding my life. its a very major part of my life. my life revolves around it. i tweak whatever can be tweaked in a person and her life to suit this contradiction.

do i want to do it? yes. there is no other reason for doing it.

what kills me is this realization, the realization that it is a contradiction. the realization that the one thing that im running my life on, does not exist. what eats me from within is when i know everything, why do i still feign ignorance? when i can see the truth, why am i blind? why being theoritically sound doesnt translate to practical success?

theoritically its all in big bold letters...there is a contradiction and there are two premises..since contradictions cant exist one of them is wrong..has to be...there's no way it can be right ..i even know which one is that. still i am assuming that my premise is right. im assuming what is, is not and what is not, is. i look truth in the eye and turn away before it sinks into me. i try to convince truth everyday that truth is wrong and im right. i am living a contradiction.

and i wait for the day when reality and sanity give me a rude shock and i wake up from my sleep of convenience...when i gather the strength to see how much ever you think you are dependent on a thing for survival, you really cant depend on something that exists only in your convenient thoughts and has no real existence. i wait for the day when this haze makes way for a life that makes much more sense for myself.

what category are you?

its amazing how you can learn such profound things just by chance, just by conversing with different people. i met this lady the other day. she was into psychology and pschiatry and human behavior and stuff.. quite learned and experienced in her field, a professional. she told me this fact which to her was very routine, one i think she told everyone who came to her, very ordinary and normal. but it explained many things (read human behavior) to me and has to an extent changed the way i look at things and look at myself.

she explained that people in general can be categorized into 3 categories viz

• category A: these people hold themselves responsible for everything. they take full responsibility for their actions and maybe also for things that are beyond their control. "if i would have done that this would not have happened" , "i should have seen this coming" , "its all my mistake. i didnt take proper care" or "i didnt try hard enough" "i shouldnt have said that" , "i should have said that". this is how they generally react to situations.
  
  they always take a lot of care and time while making decisions. their thought process goes like if i do this, then 'a' will happen, then 'b' will happen, that'll lead to 'c'..i dont want 'c' to happen so lets not do it. something like this. mostly their decisions turn out to be good.

• category B: these are the people who always blame the other person. "he didnt do that" , "he did this" , "if he hadnt done this...." , "if she hadnt said this...im not responsible" , "he didnt tell me earlier, its not my fault" and so on.
  
• category C: then we have the category C people who blame everything on fate, God, chance, enviornment. "God wanted it this way, what can i and you do" , "fate didnt want this to happen" and so on.

also, she said, though people follow these categories broadly, sometimes they may stary into a different category. like a category A person can blame fate sometimes but the general trend is that she will blame herself.

her analysis was that Im category A person..(thats why more lines written under that :) )
and since she's told me this, ive started seeing things in a better light. i understand how some people can so easily blame others for something which is so blatantly their own mistake or oversight. i understand that some things for which i held myself responsible for so long might never have been in my control. i understand that as an individual i can only be responsible for what i do, not the reaction to it. thats the other individual's prerogative. in short ive stopped blaming myself and holding myself responsible for every damn thing.

with the gyan over, what category are you?

one day better spent

we were planning to go out for a very long time. she wanted to take me out of the rut that my life has become and probably get herself out as well. she basically is the adventurous type.."would you come to a lounge/disc for 4 hrs?" "no i dont want to/i have some work/i am not the party types" are the standard replies. "do you want to go to some obscure place for a whole day or two and walk/climb and cover yourself with mud/bruises and get sore feet,legs and body" "now/tomorrow?" is the standard response.

so thats about it as far as planning was concerned.

"i have to head out for the day...do you wanna come or shud i go alone?"..so much for friendship..that too best friends

"count me in" there's nothing much in my life except her right now, so negative answer was not an option

"wake up tomorrow at 5.45 and reach my place..or forget it...ill wake you up"...so much for trust in my 'waking up' abilities

and damn her...she called 10 minutes earlier to wake me up..bloody early risers. i hate it. and what i hate more than that is taking a bath that early. who needs to do that? when you know you'll be covered in sweat(not only your own), mud, dirt, pollution. but the entire debate is in vain and you have to bathe for 'general well being' of by-standers.

turned out to be a futile exercise as we got into the same compartment as the machhi waalis (wow that smell..i can still smell it) and by the end of the journey you cudnt make out where you ended and the other person began. so much for bathing at 6 am.

btw we were heading out for matheran. after the lame start the trip turned out to be good, with the degree of good increasing as the day progressed. after we hunted for food (not literally..she's pure veg..damn them) she wanted to 'do a horse'..forget it was my response..i was not going to ride those creatures in this life atleast..and before i knew it i was on one of them..scared and insecure.

not bad was the initial reaction which unfortunately remained the same till the end. though the fear galloped out.

the honeymoon point was the hit of the day. initially we were little amused that we shud go to the point given the circumstances that were that time. but then turned out to be a good place even for two girl friends who have been thought of as lesbians more than once by more than one person. major heart pouring from my side there. she thought it was a good time to get all truths out of me (chance pe dance as she says) . even asked me to look her in the eye to prove the veracity of my claims. dunno whether i passed or failed. she didnt tell me that.

then came the next high point.. rains..we were walking now..forest on both sides..thin lane and dense fog..perfect setting for that kiss according to me..seconded by her. nobody else to third it. nobody to kiss :( seriously nobody in sight, not a trace of human race..which made her freak out a bit. but then there i was.. her pillar of strength..:)

and then i was like "you know what would make the setting perfect? a chai" and as if a genie had heard me..there was chai and biscuit...it was absolutely heavenly..maybe i could have asked for a spaceship and i would have got that too..

and to end that almost perfect day was the walk on the tracks...

i wish my life was like that track...just keep walking straight...no crossroads...no options...no decisions..no regrets...

real emotions..unreal world

both of them got out of this coffe shop. love in their eyes, love in their heart, love in the air, love all around. though both of them didnt bother much about what was happening around them. They had just spent a nice one hour in each other's company, in their own small world.

Just as he was getting in the car, he called out to her..

"listen" both of them had the car doors open and were just about to slip in.

he called out, "no, before getting in the car, listen"

he looked her in the eyes from above the car roof and said

"i would love to marry you"


this he said (later) he did for the "effect". but makes me wonder if the two would still love so much if they would get married. will the everyday grind take a toll on the love. will the aloo gobi, picking up grocery, bed teas, paying the bills, or touching the parents' feet, become more important than the person.

quite possible. rather the way to go. happens all the time.

but hard to imagine..this person who said "i would love to marry you" over the car's roof would say "you are so selfish and uncaring, cant you for heaven's sake make chicken instead of aloo gobi"

:)