Friday, December 7, 2007

equations, equations...but its not physics

im writing this post to celebrate somebody else's article...i read the article and was left wondering how correct that person could be...the person in question is Vikarm Bhatt (yup..you heard it...he is that director)..and it was his article in the hindustan times that has me thinking since morning...
the article was about how in a relationship, one person will always love more and the other less..."everyone is someone's fool!!"...he says that the rule of love should be taught in school like all other laws of physics and it goes like..."when two people are in love, one will always love the other person more and the one who loves less will control the relationship"(thats like THE truth of any realtionship...i subscribe to this completely)
yeah ironical but its true...the one who loves more would want the relationship more, so naturally would go all out to make it work. this person would sacrifice more, bear more insults and snubs, get hurt more (and still put up with it), and compromise more. whats bad about this whole situation is that the more you give, the less you get in return, infact the more you are taken for granted.
but what caught my heart were his last 2 paras...how much ever we realize and understand the irony of this law, we can do nothing about it. "It's not in our power to love more or love less. we just love as we know how to."
so the next time you're hurt, the next time you compromise and bend and accomodate the whim of your lover, remember the equation. "Its not the power of our lover over us, its the power of our love that makes us weak."
P.S.: the theoritical part of love is so scientific and easy to understand and handle. then why does everyone mess up the practicals?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

just a bout of depression

Ive never been away from home…the last time I went away was for a project…the firm was in Hyderabad and it was only for 20 days…and I must say I enjoyed myself…there was nothing “enjoyable” about the trip…it was pure academic and I had to go the firm all days from 9 to 6. but the place was beautiful…hi-tech city…and there was this secret lake..(though there was nothing secret about it)…

my guest house was 15 mins drive from the office and the food was awesome…especially the breakfast…there was tea as soon as you woke up…(what else do you want in life? Not much as far as im concerned). the drive form the guest house to office was beautiful…complete with rocky hill sides and the secret lake on one side and the hi-tech city on the other…

I hardly got time to see anything or go anywhere…not that I wanted to…im hardly ever interested in seeing the historic monuments and landmarks and so-called “tourist attractions”…I find that quite boring…come on, if you had to get up early in the morning, travel and then go to some crowded place, then you might as well have stayed at your own place. I can never be that driven in life…I would rather stay in my hotel room, have tea and breakfast in bed…maybe go for a walk or drive down to some secluded place to be on my own…or maybe just drive without any destination in mind… that’s a holiday pour moi…

I used to get up, go to office, come back and sleep…that’s it…that was all I managed in those 20 days…yeah and I hate to admit..i also managed 2 movies in one of the multiplexes…nobody expects me to go without movies for 20 days…so that was pretty much what I did…

And to top it all was the bike ride…thru some unknown lanes…with god gulty…how he managed the bike and the 2-day visit is something only he can explain…but he did…and just when I thought this was the last ill see of him before he went to the US, he came to the station to see me off…the guy didn’t know anything about my reservations…just guessed my train…what station I will take the train from…went to some wrong station…didn’t see me…came to my station and met me minutes before the train left…quite filmi I should say…but then these are the moments that stay with you a lifetime, isn’t it?

And after this trip, ive never been even as far as lonavla…my travel log is quite sad, I must say…even the trip to hydi was not a holiday…so to think of it, I cant even recollect the last holiday I went for…(trips to home town not included)…pretty sad,huh? Oh yeah I did go to bangalore, ooty and mysore after my 12th with su and maggi…so I guess that was the last holiday I went for…

This post has turned out to be quite depressing…not what I had in mind when i started...

P.S.: gulty, this was written before i spoke to you...i just posted it now.

Monday, November 26, 2007

did someone say degrees?

Its quite interesting and quite amusing…and strange in its own way. She was the least educated of us, that too in some goddamn village school and today ive realized that all the things that she used to say were right and the whole “educated” world says the same things.

She always would force me to have a heavy breakfast…”your breakfast should be the heaviest meal of the day…never leave home empty stomach..you’ve been hungry for 10 hrs already since your dinner..have something” and mind you the tone was much harsher..

She warned me against dieting in my growing years…”this is the age to gain height..give your body something”

When i was on my own and doing pathetically bad at taking care of myself, she was like…”take care of yourself..when your hair will start greying and falling, when your skin will lose its radiance, then you’ll realize what u’ve lost and then you’ll repent not having taken care of your diet”…my trichologist charged me to tell me that I should eat a balanced meal to stop my hair from falling…duh

When I was horribly thin..(yeah..there was such a time as well)..and wanted to gain weight..(yup you heard me right…I was among the few lucky ones)..her no nonsense advice was..”just eat your normal roti subzi…but eat three proper meals” no bananas, no smoothies, ..i mean nothing wrong with that…but then she knew how enterprising I could be.

and she always repeated at every meal time "eat slowly and you'll end up eaitng less".. she forced me to eat fast coz she wanted me to eat more..

And yeah today…I swear by whatever she said. And it amazes me..that my mom..(oh did I not mention that earlier) never went to college..she barely scraped through her 12th std. from a village school…she was married off when she was in 6th std and started living with my father after her 10th. She had her first kid at 17 and her third (that’s moi) at 23.

But then she had a thirst for knowledge…she wanted to learn…she was enthusiastic about getting to know new things…and she did manage to do a wonderful job…she went to her painting classes with two kids..one of whom hadn’t learnt to walk by then…she could stitch the best dresses and salwar-suits…she was very good at embroidery…she even learnt how to repair transistors (WHY?)…

And being good at something is one thing..she would do all these things in whatever spare time she got from her house hold chores and her 3 pestering kids…I was the worst…you would never see her sit idle…

and she would even make us do all that…I have done everything from stitching to cross-stitch to embroidery to knitting…and just the amount of interest she showed in these things made us do them…she would buy those embroidery books, select a design, buy the threads, the cloth, go 10 times to the market till she found the right shades, get the design printed and then give it to us to finish…believe me, the most difficult part was already over

She would sit with the English news paper every day…that’s where she learnt most of her English from…though she couldn’t converse in the language, she would understand and enjoy English movies with us.

And yes how can I forget…she was a badminton champion…

The only thing she used to hate was cooking…she used to cook very well…I still follow her recipes…and her aloo-parathas were to die for…she used to cook limited stuff but whatever she did, it was great…but that was one task she never enjoyed…now you wont wonder where I got that from…:)

And to end it all..there was one thing which she also always used to say….which I cant resist mentioning.."tere upar har kapda achhha lagta hai”…no prizes for guessing for whom she used to say this..:)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Godgiri by a God..who else?

My tribute to the one person who has proven time and again to be God sent.

  • Astalavista babie…the best mail anyone has ever written to me..and im sure one of the best anyone has ever written to someone. I still go back to it whenever im low…works like magic..the best words ever for me…in black and white. (what else do you want?..its feelings with written proof)
  • “kabhi bhi kisi cheez ki zaroorat ho..always remember you have a friend..god gulty”…yeah show off..thanks.
  • “you should never marry for sex…you should have sex with random people until you get tired and fed up of the act (??????) and then marry a girl you love”…I have some serious doubts on his theory but what the hell..he’s god gulty..i don’t want to contest.
  • “im in an ocean but not a drop to drink”…his take on the incredible number of attractive and err..good girls in the US and his inability to make use of this opportunity due to lack of time..he was doing his MS…actually that’s why he went to the US..that he lost track of what his purpose in going there was is another matter altogether…but never mind...nobody’s complaining..the girls there are just too happy.
  • “my dad’s the don of warangal
  • “my bro is the don of warangal
  • “if you ever come to warangal…just tell anyone you want to meet ravanna’s son…they’ll see you to my home
  • you are the only girl who has managed to defeat me”…in cows and bulls that is…and he sucked…so it was pretty easy for me...his IIT ego couldnt take it.
  • “I cant mail you…im too busy…main Christi aur anna ko rasmalai khila raha hoon” ?????...dude are they interested?
  • “woh saale ko rao ke under BTP karana chahiye”…on the hero of ‘socha na tha’ who is confused beyond hope about who he loves…totally understandable..god gulty cant seem to patao one girl in his 23 years on planet earth when that fellow is having a hard time deciding between girls…deciding between girls???…that kind of choice???…you want an IITian to see that and not sulk?...(btw…Prof. Rao was our guide and BTP is B.Tech Project….for the uninitiated)
  • my dads got a new job in the telecom department”…on my interminable silences on phone with him…(he calls up from the US)
  • “I wanted to tell you something…my dad just lost his job in the telecom department…so speak fast!!!”
  • bimbo…im not happy coz I just returned from New York…im happy because im speaking to you…infact im the happiest when I speak to you”…yeah the second part was an overkill but the first part…the best line I had heard in a very very long time.

May I say my thanks now?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

bijli jaisa roop with not-so-electrifying verbal score!!!

Suzie took his GRE a couple of days back and got a dismal verbal score..and now he is quite worked up about it.. no, don’t write the guy off just as yet..he cracked the quant and got a 100 percent in that..(yeah but then doesn’t everybody?..:) sorry suzie..yeah guys im not writing this to make him more miserable..) yeah so being the friend that I am, this is what im going to do…tell you guys about the one field in which suzie can never get a low score..the “looks” department.

Hmm..so lets see..what do I know about this..i know just two aspects..how much he himself is obsessed with his own face and how popular he is with the guys..yeah really..the guy sells like hotcakes among the boys..and this is not something im saying off the cuff..i have all sorts of proof – documents, scraps, mails and suzie himself will vouch for this. (read his testimonials if you like!!)

You should see the snaps this guy has of himself…close ups and all..all sorts of pictures at all sorts of places. He clicks these pictures coz he wants to remember a new place or structure or scene..but if you ask me..i can bet, never once does he see the background…he cant look beyond his own face in the foreground..

And he spends hours in front of the mirror…go ask his roomies over the years…but the recent ones would give a more accurate account coz the narcissism has worsened in recent times.

And where should I start about his popularity among the guys..they love him…i only know as far back as his last year in IITB..so that’s only how much I can tell...but even that’s quite something.. you should know all the names his wing junta used to call him…I don’t take responsibility if you find the following words objectionable and not fit enough to appear on this blog (being the good girl that I am..thanks)..rani, jawani, bijli sa roop, chandel ki lugaai (chandel was his roomie I guess..but im not allowed to elaborate on this..chandel has already threatened me once..:(..im feeling very bad for my inability to share this information with you..;))..and so on and so forth…and boy did they love his legs…(please refer his valfi profile for more details…I am bound by basic decency and morals here)

And it didn’t stop at IITB..there it could be understood as the guys don’t have much choice and so its maaf…but the guy was a sell-out with all the chinkis at Samsung…they used to love his face, his color, his hair…he didn’t tell me beyond that…thanks suzie…

So dude dont fret…whats a score?..you are blessed with your face..:)

And im sorry suzie…don’t kill me for this…its just the truth that ive put up for the world..so that everyone knows about your bijli jaisa roop..:)
P.S.: the joke goes like with this verbal score, a blog for suzie should be in hindi..he he he..
im not this mean generally...today happens to be a special day!!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

my comapnion of past 2 months is leaving me :(

so now im almost at the end of "Shantaram"..the 900th page to be precise.. and let me tell you it took me real long to get there..and let me also tell you that close to the end of the book, im in love with it and i consider that the looong time i spent on it was worth it.

really, it was quite a task just going from one page to the next, when i first started reading the book. i was like what's this guy doing, going from here to there, giving some details, narrating some unrelated incidents..what the hell is the book about? but then i stuck on...i was like if su liked it so much (she recommended the book) and my sis liked it so much (she gave the book to me and wants it back coz she wants to read it again!!..its a massive 936 pages..reading again?)..yeah..so i was saying, if they liked it so much, then there has to be something about the book. and i threw in my anchor and decided to go from one page to the next till i reach the 936th.

i cribbed to everyone and anyone who would listen about how difficult it is for me to read the book coz i cant see a direction to the story and how its not gripping enough and how some gross details are putting me off and i cant find myself going back to the book.

but then i had help..su was my inspiration..she has even made it a point to visit cafe mondegar and leopold's just because they are mentiond in this book. she always wondered how can i not like not reading about my own city and knowing the hidden truth behind this secure and glitzy face that we know as mumbai. she was like, "how can you not find it interesting?" "you didnt like the part about how he meets these people and falls in love with mumbai?" and i was like.."am i missing something?"

su even gave me an assignment..she was like could you keep a bookmark in your book in the form of a page on which you keep writing down all those one-liners. basically those coming from karla. (that girl seems to have a one-liner on everything). and she and even reggie took pity on my poor state and pace with the book and were like..."okay, if you hate the book so much and have to still read it..you can skip his afghanistan trip..that would give you a fair amount of jump".

so i trudged on and reached the 400th miserable page..and then the book got to me..i couldnt read enough of it..i realized that its not a story..its the life of a man..i started identifying with lin..i felt for him..his description of the jail was what made me empathetic towards him and i started seeing him as an individual rather than as a story. and then it was easy..seeing things from his view point was easy..feeling what he felt was easy..loving things he loved was easy..reading about him was all i wanted to do.

and, i have to admit that one man, who stands above all for me, is Abdullah Taheri..man, that guy is something (for lack of words)..im so in love with him.. i have to say that i have a very bad visualization..i cant say how ill look in a particular dress till i see myself in it..but i can see this guy..he is in my head..i can see him appearing out of nowhere to fight the pack of street dogs in the dead of the night (who can not like this guy?)..i can see him dressed in all black, long hair, iranian looks, guns in both hands, standing in the centre of a market, shooting at cops, when he's dying. i must say, i was quite devastated after that...but i was more ecstatic when he came back..short hair, dressed in white this time around.

so, now finally at the end of this book, that i was struggling to complete at one point of time, i am sad..im sad that no longer would i be a part of lin's life...no longer would i spend time with these guys..no longer would i know the subtle emotions of lin's heart, the thoughts going on in his mind, the way he saw these people, what he felt about people and situations, how he intepreted other people's facial expressions, their smiles and their eyes, his pain and his happiness...and his friend Abdullah Taheri. sigh...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I love you too!!!

How important is love? if you ask me today... extremely.

Six months back this would not be my answer..but then perceptions can change in seconds and six months is a long time. Well, actually nothing changed in my life..only realization set in. realization that if your entire world is going for a toss in front of your eyes and you are not in command of your own life and you can still manage to smile..it has to be more than your strength, it has to be more than optimism, it has to be more than hope. And now I know what it is.

It is love.
It is the feeling of being loved. It is the smug knowledge that however bad my day or night has been, I would feel better..its just a matter of minutes..just a matter of a phone call. It is the knowledge that I have these people in my life…friends, family.. who always recognise the im-not-alright tone of my voice and they would do anything to change that. It is this feeling, this security that runs my life, makes it more livable. It is like when I am with these people or when I talk to them, I am in an entirely different world. A world that I like to be in.

These people don’t solve my problems..they cant…they would if they could... But then, they help by just being there for me..by just letting me know that they are there for me. They just help by coming up with their incredible sense of humor..they just help by making me laugh like im a kid with no worries in life…they just help by taking me out for coffees or walks,or calling me in for teas and meals, by coming all the distance just to see me…they just help by making me feel loved, wanted. When I am with them, my life seems brighter, the problems disappear.

Six months back I would say that love is just a figment of your own imagination..it doesn’t exist, you just imagine that you love someone..and after a while you get over this feeling, you get over a person..it was always this easy for me..my crushes and getting over them has always been a mind game for me…if you make up your mind you can get over anyone.

But now I know that love exists. I cant define the feeling, but now I know love..i know attachment..i know giving without wanting anything in return. I know that it has always existed for me. I was just not aware of its presence..but all those smiles that I smiled to myself were because of this love, because of these people who love me..who I love. Now I know that love is not a figment of our imagination..i know its not a mind game…wanting someone is..loving is not.

I would really really want to thank you (sounds formal and sad…a person has to say some things some times)..and especially Su..i knew you would understand even if I murdered someone in cold blood…you know some things which are quite close to being as bad..and you have never judged me..you have understood my choices, my thinking.

I cant imagine life without you guys…maybe im not too good at putting this point across but I know this..and you should know that you are the fuel of my life..this life is so much better coz I have you. What would I do without you?

do I need to say…I love you too!!

latest feather in my cap!

my office just shifted in to this new place..and i just have to say this..and i quote "the place to be...with the times..ahead of the times"..really!!

this place is elixir..heaven..couldnt have imagined a better place for myself..seriously when i passed out of university and i thought where do i see myself one year down the line, i never even imagined this would be the answer. i mean, come on, its me. i was never the career minded, ambitious, over achiever and to get this place for office was the last thing i expected to happen to me. it beats your corner-cubicle-with-windows-overlooking-marine-drive any day.

dont even know how to begin describing the beauty of this place and its location. i guess the first thing to mention is that when we send out an ad next time to recruit new people, "wanted brilliant ppl with excellent academics and interested in..blah blah" we should add a criteria "please dont be tall..er..our top guys are short and we dont want then straining their necks to speak to you..so if you are above 5'10", go take a hike. we are not interested."

yeah..how would the guy stand with his held high if he goes beyond that height..the total height of the office is just that plus a couple of inches. go walk on the ramp dude.

and just for our convenience, the AC is so close..its in our face...and im not saying this for effect..its actually in our face..maybe they thought when we are bored or in the dumps, we could just look right in to the air vents of our AC and whisper our thoughts to the cold-air-spitting beast..ACs that double up as shrinks..who could have thought of that...the brain work of my boss..am i impressed or am i impressed?

coming here is like some adventure sport...climb steep, dingy terrains..slippery floors..make your way through a maze of obstacles...manouver through animals of dangerous species and finally come to this office which can easily classify as a venue for holding world rock climbing championship. and even after this if you havent satiated your adventure thirst, start using a computer..that normally very dull and boring looking task suddenly takes on the avatar of this exciting and adrenalin pumping adventure, when you know there is no earthing in the office and every PC is a dare...not just a routine machine where till yesterday you spoke to your friends and socialised..and ofcourse worked occasionally.

and then (yeah here come the topping on the dessert) hunt for water..yes hunt! and if you arent the skilled hunter, then for you we have the pond from where all the animals drink but im sure your pet dog would refuse that water. (come on, being a dog doesnt take away the right to hygiene...working here does). (and yes..i brought all this upon myself..thank you!)

and i dont even want to start on the net access...i have tears welling up in my eyes right now...sob sob..stop laughing..friends are very important in life..never under estimate the importance or necessity of a good social life and true friends..(the friends in need types)..how should i connect to the world? the global being that i am..

so, at the cost of repetition, when i thought last year, where i see myself in one year's time..i couldnt have asked for a more thrilling job place..(i still dont know about my job..im trying to figure out what im supposed to do..really i am..and ive figured out that surfing the net is not in my profile...a good start..the rest too will come about).

till then im very happy with the place..im basking in the glory of the results of my own decisions. and the latest decision is that i need to out source the decision making..any takers?
P.S.: if a person is known by his work place, im the meanest, lowliest labourer. :(

Monday, July 30, 2007

if you dont understand..you are not supposed to

you try
you sacrifice
you suffer
you put up
you tolerate
you keep shut
you keep a brave face
you bend
you reason
you still continue when reason says otherwise
you become furniture
worse than an animal
you give up your joys, your freedom
you give up your friends, your priorities
you give in your self respect
you reason
you compromise
you think
for what
for whom
are you really getting anywhere after all this
you try again
one last time
then another
you fail
then one day you realize that you owe someone something
its you
you owe yourself dignity
you owe yourself respect
you owe yourself a life
you owe yourself some pride
and you owe one very special person some peace (she sees you)
you shrug
you throw your sail in the wind
its your master
maybe you'll find happiness...you keep faith
maybe you'll be unhappy...but you were anyways
nothing to win and nothing left to lose
this is good life
a good point to start
optimism at its best? maybe

Friday, July 20, 2007

"goli dene ke 'n' tarikey!!" recounted by Hash!!

yes...this is the topic i mentioned in the last post..suzie asked me to write on this.

for the unintiated "goli dena" is something like ditching people, sort of making excuses to avoid meeting them and other things on these lines...get the idea? ok..technically, i never gave goli to suzie..he just thought i was doing that..if i am unwell and i tell you im unwell and i cant come out..doesnt mean i cant even stand and come down below the building...and if i say im in pain doesnt mean i cant take pain killers and be fine in the next 2 hrs...so thats that for you suzie..
so no golis for you..

but then there's hash..he read the last blog and rechristened 'goli' as chaati' ...thats what his folks call goli..and he felt that he is sailing in the same boat ..it was like this statement stirred some deep sentiments within him...

he actually sat with me and went through the ways i have given him a chaati...he was like "i can easily tell you atleast 10 ways you give chaati..if not 100" ..(yeah thanks dude! what would i do without you!)

and according to him...in his words..they are:

  1. im getting a call..so i have to hang up and ill call you back.. but never do. (this is generally true..i must be getting another call and that call would have ended after a few hours..)
  2. i cant come out anywhere coz i have lots of work at office and im working late for a few weeeks. (you've got to show that you are indispensable somewhere atleast)
  3. im already going out for dinner somewhere/ive already cooked my dinner.
  4. im watching MTV Roadies..so i cant come down..(how crude can i be? i cud have refined this one..)
  5. ive seen this movie. (that ive done..if a movie has been in theatres for 3 days, more often than not, ive seen it)
  6. i have to get my hair colored..will take around 4 hours and ive to go to bandra for that..(it takes longer than that and dude it is a tedious job and you have to plan ahead)
  7. my dad's expecting me for dinner. (see, if i say he cudnt care less...might make you wonder about his parenting skills)
  8. i cant come down because what will i tell dad..(i used this only once and that day it was a really valid chaati)
  9. i just disappear..:) (i accept this one...guilty as charged..inexcusable behavior)
  10. this is a private line..you are not supposed to call here..ill call you back.. (dude, you called on my ceo's number.. :))


so, there you are, Monsieur hash..these are your 10 chaatis...
and what was that logic about..... if you told the 10 ways in which ive given you chaatis and suzie told the 10 that ive given him, then 10 * 10 would make it 100 ways to give goli...huh?

nice calculation, given your background and your present job...is this how you give chaatis to your clients too?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

maybe, suzie hates me less after this!!!

this post is on request...from suzie..he asked me to write on two topics..i chose this one..its something which has been iterated over and over and beaten to death in many movies..and by me also..and it is "a girl and guy can never be friends..one day sooner or later (maybe from the first instant)..physical attraction takes over!!"

now, the author, at this point would like to,very categorically, state that these are the author's views and she is not trying to comment on or judge anything..she is not here to tell the general rules of the world..but only to tell how things are on her side of the fence. if the content plays with your thought process or contradicts it in any manner, she is ready to discuss it with you.

let's start:

i have a little different take on this..i will not take the credit for what im going to say...its not my original thought..this was said to me by a person who taught me a great many things in life..in today's date i disagree with most of them..im trying to unlearn them :) but this i still cant disagree with, because its been only reinforced with time and experience.

he said and i quote, "if a girl and a boy are friends, either the boy is attracted to the girl, or the girl is attracted to the boy, or one of them is enjoying some leverage out of this relation". i would just add that most times, its a combination of more than one of the above mentioned reasons.

as it is said in 'When Harry Met Sally' and as even suzie said...why would a boy even go and speak, in the first place, to a girl whom he finds unattractive. and vice versa for girls. thats not all, absy even went to the extent of saying that he wont 'waste' time (read going for movies, lunches, dinners et al) with a girl if she doesnt let him kiss her..whats the point? is his question.

and then physical attraction is like those creepy crawly creatures...it creeeps into a relation at any unexpected moment from nowhere..so, pure platonic friendships suddenly find themselves in this quagmire of physical vibes and tension(for want of a better word). and its not as if this feeling suddenly appears, its been there forever (we are programmed that way!)...its just that it suddenly overpowers you and you want to be physically intimate with this person who till yesterday was your buddy of sorts. cant say, if thats a good day or a bad day for that friendship. so, even if you didnt start with any such intention, doesnt mean you'll never encounter such a situation. and it happens. always.

having said all this, i would like to add that, as a caveat to the above rule,its also true and ive learnt that, its not like these friendships are not strong or dont last..they last and they can turn out to be quite beautiful and cherished relations. depends on the two persons involved. how strong can lust be? only as strong as you allow it to be. its ephemeral anyways..

P.S. the other topic which i had a choice to write on was " 'goli dene ke 100 tarikey', by moi". im not that bad...give me some credit now aleast!!

Monday, July 9, 2007

my car, my shrink

she has been there when i cried my heart out, she has been there when ive thought about something and couldnt help smiling to myself, she has been there when i danced like no one is watching (ofcourse seated in the driver's seat and ofcourse no one was watching!), she has been there when i cursed aloud to the people who have said mean things to me in life, she has been there when i swore my demons out to fellow drivers who have never said anything to me in my life, and she has been there when ive reasoned with myself, discussed problems and people with myself. she has been with me throught it all.


she has seen my emotions in the rawest form, like only ive seen, and no one else. I have this problem of revealing my emotions to others..but then she's not a person, which is why i could put my emotions on display before her. she doesnt get bored, she doesnt discipline, she doesnt pitch in with her side of the arguement, she doesnt correct, she doesnt ask me to see things from a different perspective, she doesnt ridicule, she doesnt empathize or sympathize, she understands, lets me be me and she doesnt judge.


and thats exactly what i want - a non-judging, good listener. how few are those? if you ask me, very. infact, they dont exist. people tend to become subjective, form opinions and impressions in their heads, they start 'type casting' you, start categorizing you and form this picture in their mind. next time, when they see you, they superimpose this image on you and you become this image plus you.

so, as i see it, revealing your emotions to someone is like suicide. its like presenting a part of yourself to others to analyze, to devour, maybe even relish, to discuss and debate and pass judgement on. i, for one, could never even stand the thought of that.

and though everybody says...you should share your emotions and feelings with others...with atleast one another person, you should confide in atleast one another person... i could never see what purpose it serves.

so, i have found this unlikely shrink in my car.. when im driving, its like 'me time'.. i am in control... im totally on my own.. basically im with myself. and thats when i talk, thats when i vent my emotions. thats what is required, right? never hole up your emotions, never let feelings simmer within yourself..isnt this what everyone always says? my car pretty much solves these problems.

i can easily say that, the best time of my day is my drive time, and this i enjoy alone. infact when i drive down to office,though i can try and take a short cut, i always take a detour..... just for the heck of driving, i never think twice about going and meeting someone on the other side of town, or driving down extra kilometres just for a better theatre, or a better mall, or taking a longer route just to avoid bad roads or traffic snarls. having said that, i would clarify that traffic jams dont bother me much...i love to drive through them too. if things get too bad and i run out of things to think about or good music, i call up friends and speak to them.

so, thats that..it maybe an unlikely retreat but for me, it is. my safe haven. i can drive down at any god forsaken hour in the night..i always feel very safe as long as im inside the car.

that actually adds up to give too much value to a car..but then its one of the most important things in my life..the other is the cell phone...i can do without everything else (im not talking about people here)..

reminds me..the poor soul is waiting to be serviced since ages... i need to treat her nicely...see, unlike humans it doesnt complain about that also :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

feline child

they were two big black innocent, clueless eyes looking into mine..it was a bony, furry, scared body, all the size of a big mouse...they were four legs parading on my lap as i drove my car..and there was the incessant meowing... this is the first memory i have of him.

he was homeless, hungry, without his mother, he could not fend for himself let alone for food, it was going to start raining outside, and then he was the most adorable kitten and how could you ever walk past him and not feel bad for letting him be in that hell, for leaving him to his fate, for letting him learn to fight for food. i couldnt. i brought him home.

and since then its been a mad circus in my house. never a dull moment. he's the darling of my extended family. all those who used to be like "eeeewww...you got a cat, how could you bring a cat, they are cruel, they are unfaithful, they are wicked, they leave you and go away..." and all that, now love him...except su ofcourse. she's scared of him...yeah you got that, su is scared of a cat who, poor thing, is atleast 20 times smaller than her. but then we have to give it to her coz she always used to hate cats (and always tell me that i look like a cat...i quite never got the connection).

everyone asked me..."why a cat?". i never had the perfect answer to that. maybe because no dog made me feel like that...coz no dog looked at me with those eyes. coz dogs are also a bit of a hassle. and I NEVER INTENDED TO HAVE A PET. i never thought about bringing him in. it was not like the only aim in my life was to own a cat one day. no, i just saw him, couldnt walk past and got him home. thats it.

and he does the most adorable things (clawing the sofa not included). he starts meowing his lungs out as soon as he hears me taking out the keys to get in the front door. he meows outside my bedroom as soon as i put my feet on the floor in the morning. he doesnt let me wash my hands or face in the wash basin before i let him drink from the tap. and he leads us all to the kitchen drawer where his food is kept...you go where he is taking you or he doesnt let you walk.

and is he a sleepy head or is he a sleepy head? at any time you look at him when he is not waiting for food or running after insects or staring at pigeons with his mouth watering, you can always catch him sleeping or trying very hard to keep his eyes open which automatically close if he has not moved in the past 60 seconds. he hates the water and getting wet or taking a bath. and he bolts and hide behind pillows if the bell rings and there are strangers in the house or we use the grinder or vacuum cleaner :)

this i say like a very proud mother that my cat is almost a pup. he knows when im about to enter the house. he gets all excited and happy on seeing me. clambers all over me, doesnt let me do anything till i pick him up and cuddle him. and no exaggeration, he even licks my face, though biting lightly is his way of showing affection.

all said and done, at times when he cuddles upto me in my blanket at night and refuses to move away even when i push him away, at a time when the one thing my dad told me when i went to see him in the hospital was that the cat came and sat with him and sniffed him head to toe when he was in great pain, at times when i wake up with this cuddly thing right in my face, and at times when im low and lonely and he comes and sleeps in my lap, i know that this cat is god's gift to me.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Su wants to get married

su wants to get married. why? i ask. because she wants a ohh-so-cute kid, because then she'll never be lonely, because she wants companionship, because she'll have a family of her own, home of her own, because she wants to be loved, because.... she goes on.

all my efforts to convince her that marriage is after all not that great a thing to do to oneself has not changed her mind yet. i say this 'yet' but i know it'll never change her mind. because she's always wanted that. she's grown up in this enviornment and she's moulded up a certain way to be the individual that she is today. she has so much love to give and she wants to do so much for everybody, its only natural she wants someone very special for that. and then she's this age when hormones and chemical play havoc in your life and make seemingly sane people insane and basically blind, and then all of us want to get married and 'settle down'.

okay, so su also wants to settle down. basically being tied down by the chains of household duties and chores, obligations, expectations, compromises, sacrifices, adjustments, and all such words that you can think of. people lose themselves in marriages (said by a very famous person and i agree). they lose their identity, their self, their own being, the person that they are. they change or try to change so much just to go a day without fighting. or they just give up and lose all interest and just avoid the other person to avoid an unpleasant encounter. both ways, both people can never be that same person that they were.

did i digress too much...now back to su. she goes to these sites, uploads her profile and then comes back and cribs.."nam i cant marry any of these guys on these sites, they're so give up. just take a look at them. how can i marry them?" and i seize this opportunity for my anti-marriage campaign and she tries to defend the institution and it goes on.

and then she has this beautiful criterion. "if i dont feel like hugging a guy when i see him, i cant marry him". i found it quite funny when i first heard it but then it does make sense, doesnt it? i mean thats the least you expect from a person you would want to spend the rest of your days and nights with.

i try to convince her that marriage is a very big price to pay for these small joys which you derive for a very short time. but to no avail. i guess ill just wish her all the best in her endeavor and hope all goes well. after all, there are no perfect recipes for marriage or to even finding a partner for yourself.

except that, when you marry, you must know what you're getting into and with whom you're getting into it. again as the very famous person said, "you cant marry an engineer and then think, 'no i want her to be a doctor because i always wanted a doctor'. then you should have married a doctor in the first place." and marry for the right reasons, not just for sex or babies or because you think there's nothing else left to do.

and then just be prepared.

finally this is what i tell su (and she hates me for it), "you should marry atleast once, just to see if you are made for it or not. then you can make the best decision." :)

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Contradictions

"Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong." , Fransisco d'Anconia says this to Dagny in Atlas Shrugged.

Dagny is perplexed by the paradox Fransisco has become. she cant comrehend why a man of his brilliance and standing would squander himself away as a playboy. he tells her that if she doesnt think it possible then its really not possible. he cant be both these persons at once. there must be something that Dagny is yet to see, one of her premises is wrong.

this is the novel i swear by and this line is my favourite from the book, after ofcourse, the one that appears in the header. if you take time to think about it, you'll see that its true. atleast i vouch for its hunderd percent veracity.

and that is the reason why i stand against myself today.

i read this line and i could see that there is such a big, blatant contradiction in my life. in today's date, this contradiction is what is guiding my life. its a very major part of my life. my life revolves around it. i tweak whatever can be tweaked in a person and her life to suit this contradiction.

do i want to do it? yes. there is no other reason for doing it.

what kills me is this realization, the realization that it is a contradiction. the realization that the one thing that im running my life on, does not exist. what eats me from within is when i know everything, why do i still feign ignorance? when i can see the truth, why am i blind? why being theoritically sound doesnt translate to practical success?

theoritically its all in big bold letters...there is a contradiction and there are two premises..since contradictions cant exist one of them is wrong..has to be...there's no way it can be right ..i even know which one is that. still i am assuming that my premise is right. im assuming what is, is not and what is not, is. i look truth in the eye and turn away before it sinks into me. i try to convince truth everyday that truth is wrong and im right. i am living a contradiction.

and i wait for the day when reality and sanity give me a rude shock and i wake up from my sleep of convenience...when i gather the strength to see how much ever you think you are dependent on a thing for survival, you really cant depend on something that exists only in your convenient thoughts and has no real existence. i wait for the day when this haze makes way for a life that makes much more sense for myself.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

what category are you?

its amazing how you can learn such profound things just by chance, just by conversing with different people. i met this lady the other day. she was into psychology and pschiatry and human behavior and stuff.. quite learned and experienced in her field, a professional. she told me this fact which to her was very routine, one i think she told everyone who came to her, very ordinary and normal. but it explained many things (read human behavior) to me and has to an extent changed the way i look at things and look at myself.

she explained that people in general can be categorized into 3 categories viz

  • category A: these people hold themselves responsible for everything. they take full responsibility for their actions and maybe also for things that are beyond their control. "if i would have done that this would not have happened" , "i should have seen this coming" , "its all my mistake. i didnt take proper care" or "i didnt try hard enough" "i shouldnt have said that" , "i should have said that". this is how they generally react to situations.

    they always take a lot of care and time while making decisions. their thought process goes like if i do this, then 'a' will happen, then 'b' will happen, that'll lead to 'c'..i dont want 'c' to happen so lets not do it. something like this. mostly their decisions turn out to be good.

  • category B: these are the people who always blame the other person. "he didnt do that" , "he did this" , "if he hadnt done this...." , "if she hadnt said this...im not responsible" , "he didnt tell me earlier, its not my fault" and so on.
  • category C: then we have the category C people who blame everything on fate, God, chance, enviornment. "God wanted it this way, what can i and you do" , "fate didnt want this to happen" and so on.

also, she said, though people follow these categories broadly, sometimes they may stary into a different category. like a category A person can blame fate sometimes but the general trend is that she will blame herself.

her analysis was that Im category A person..(thats why more lines written under that :) )
and since she's told me this, ive started seeing things in a better light. i understand how some people can so easily blame others for something which is so blatantly their own mistake or oversight. i understand that some things for which i held myself responsible for so long might never have been in my control. i understand that as an individual i can only be responsible for what i do, not the reaction to it. thats the other individual's prerogative. in short ive stopped blaming myself and holding myself responsible for every damn thing.

with the gyan over, what category are you?

Saturday, June 9, 2007

one day better spent


we were planning to go out for a very long time. she wanted to take me out of the rut that my life has become and probably get herself out as well. she basically is the adventurous type.."would you come to a lounge/disc for 4 hrs?" "no i dont want to/i have some work/i am not the party types" are the standard replies. "do you want to go to some obscure place for a whole day or two and walk/climb and cover yourself with mud/bruises and get sore feet,legs and body" "now/tomorrow?" is the standard response.

so thats about it as far as planning was concerned.

"i have to head out for the day...do you wanna come or shud i go alone?"..so much for friendship..that too best friends

"count me in" there's nothing much in my life except her right now, so negative answer was not an option

"wake up tomorrow at 5.45 and reach my place..or forget it...ill wake you up"...so much for trust in my 'waking up' abilities

and damn her...she called 10 minutes earlier to wake me up..bloody early risers. i hate it. and what i hate more than that is taking a bath that early. who needs to do that? when you know you'll be covered in sweat(not only your own), mud, dirt, pollution. but the entire debate is in vain and you have to bathe for 'general well being' of by-standers.

turned out to be a futile exercise as we got into the same compartment as the machhi waalis (wow that smell..i can still smell it) and by the end of the journey you cudnt make out where you ended and the other person began. so much for bathing at 6 am.

btw we were heading out for matheran. after the lame start the trip turned out to be good, with the degree of good increasing as the day progressed. after we hunted for food (not literally..she's pure veg..damn them) she wanted to 'do a horse'..forget it was my response..i was not going to ride those creatures in this life atleast..and before i knew it i was on one of them..scared and insecure.

not bad was the initial reaction which unfortunately remained the same till the end. though the fear galloped out.

the honeymoon point was the hit of the day. initially we were little amused that we shud go to the point given the circumstances that were that time. but then turned out to be a good place even for two girl friends who have been thought of as lesbians more than once by more than one person. major heart pouring from my side there. she thought it was a good time to get all truths out of me (chance pe dance as she says) . even asked me to look her in the eye to prove the veracity of my claims. dunno whether i passed or failed. she didnt tell me that.

then came the next high point.. rains..we were walking now..forest on both sides..thin lane and dense fog..perfect setting for that kiss according to me..seconded by her. nobody else to third it. nobody to kiss :( seriously nobody in sight, not a trace of human race..which made her freak out a bit. but then there i was.. her pillar of strength..:)

and then i was like "you know what would make the setting perfect? a chai" and as if a genie had heard me..there was chai and biscuit...it was absolutely heavenly..maybe i could have asked for a spaceship and i would have got that too..

and to end that almost perfect day was the walk on the tracks...

i wish my life was like that track...just keep walking straight...no crossroads...no options...no decisions..no regrets...

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

real emotions..unreal world

both of them got out of this coffe shop. love in their eyes, love in their heart, love in the air, love all around. though both of them didnt bother much about what was happening around them. They had just spent a nice one hour in each other's company, in their own small world.

Just as he was getting in the car, he called out to her..

"listen" both of them had the car doors open and were just about to slip in.

he called out, "no, before getting in the car, listen"

he looked her in the eyes from above the car roof and said

"i would love to marry you"


this he said (later) he did for the "effect". but makes me wonder if the two would still love so much if they would get married. will the everyday grind take a toll on the love. will the aloo gobi, picking up grocery, bed teas, paying the bills, or touching the parents' feet, become more important than the person.

quite possible. rather the way to go. happens all the time.

but hard to imagine..this person who said "i would love to marry you" over the car's roof would say "you are so selfish and uncaring, cant you for heaven's sake make chicken instead of aloo gobi"

:)

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

why did i come here

life teaches you so much...so so very much...i know the truth in this statement more than any other fact in this world. this is one statement i can back with my life. may be becoz ive just learnt a big lesson in my life.. what the lesson is will come later. this is about why i came to this place.

ive heard this in a movie..man is the only animal that hides its feelings... why do we do this? hiding what we feel...not saying what we would die to say..not showing our love, or hatred or indifference... most of the time you could say that it was because we cared just enough for the other person's feelings. but then why cant we tell anyone if we love them...or when they've hurt us and dont even realize it..or maybe something more personal that you want the other person to know...or a decision that you've taken and want to put it across...why?

fear...one simple answer...fear of rejection..fear of embarassment..fear of not-being-understood...

and whats the solution

alcohol..again a simple answer...but doesnt go down too well with everyone...but trust me it works...its not magic...its a trick. try this...prepare whatever you have to say in advance...well in advance. then go over it nicely but not so nicely that it looks as if you actually learnt it by heart(keep the reality). then choose a nice setting...down a few glasses (2 shud be enuf...one is like being too greedy) depending upon your reputation..a drink-like-fish kind of guy would not get sloshed in 2 glasses, get it?

with that done...get down to the topic...bring it up..very casually...all the while as if you never thought you would speak about it in the first place...get all your emotions out...say whatever you had "prepared"...you can cry, apologize, be mushy or whatever the situation demands...trust me the strength comes from within...you've lost that one thing...inhibition..the root of it all...

next day you could say...i never meant to say it all like this...i was drunk..im so embarassed.. but i meant it....

sounds good?
it works as good...

ive tried it ..n number of times...(alcoholic? me? no...im the 2 glasses girl..thank you)

but then there are some things which you dont understand WHOM to tell...see the problem..no ears.. or rather whose ears? these feelings are so vague yet so rooted, so personal yet so shareable, and then i realized this is the answer...blog...nemesis

so here i am...