I love you too!!!

How important is love? if you ask me today... extremely.

Six months back this would not be my answer..but then perceptions can change in seconds and six months is a long time. Well, actually nothing changed in my life..only realization set in. realization that if your entire world is going for a toss in front of your eyes and you are not in command of your own life and you can still manage to smile..it has to be more than your strength, it has to be more than optimism, it has to be more than hope. And now I know what it is.

It is love.
It is the feeling of being loved. It is the smug knowledge that however bad my day or night has been, I would feel better..its just a matter of minutes..just a matter of a phone call. It is the knowledge that I have these people in my life…friends, family.. who always recognise the im-not-alright tone of my voice and they would do anything to change that. It is this feeling, this security that runs my life, makes it more livable. It is like when I am with these people or when I talk to them, I am in an entirely different world. A world that I like to be in.

These people don’t solve my problems..they cant…they would if they could... But then, they help by just being there for me..by just letting me know that they are there for me. They just help by coming up with their incredible sense of humor..they just help by making me laugh like im a kid with no worries in life…they just help by taking me out for coffees or walks,or calling me in for teas and meals, by coming all the distance just to see me…they just help by making me feel loved, wanted. When I am with them, my life seems brighter, the problems disappear.

Six months back I would say that love is just a figment of your own imagination..it doesn’t exist, you just imagine that you love someone..and after a while you get over this feeling, you get over a person..it was always this easy for me..my crushes and getting over them has always been a mind game for me…if you make up your mind you can get over anyone.

But now I know that love exists. I cant define the feeling, but now I know love..i know attachment..i know giving without wanting anything in return. I know that it has always existed for me. I was just not aware of its presence..but all those smiles that I smiled to myself were because of this love, because of these people who love me..who I love. Now I know that love is not a figment of our imagination..i know its not a mind game…wanting someone is..loving is not.

I would really really want to thank you (sounds formal and sad…a person has to say some things some times)..and especially Su..i knew you would understand even if I murdered someone in cold blood…you know some things which are quite close to being as bad..and you have never judged me..you have understood my choices, my thinking.

I cant imagine life without you guys…maybe im not too good at putting this point across but I know this..and you should know that you are the fuel of my life..this life is so much better coz I have you. What would I do without you?

do I need to say…I love you too!!

latest feather in my cap!

my office just shifted in to this new place..and i just have to say this..and i quote "the place to be...with the times..ahead of the times"..really!!

this place is elixir..heaven..couldnt have imagined a better place for myself..seriously when i passed out of university and i thought where do i see myself one year down the line, i never even imagined this would be the answer. i mean, come on, its me. i was never the career minded, ambitious, over achiever and to get this place for office was the last thing i expected to happen to me. it beats your corner-cubicle-with-windows-overlooking-marine-drive any day.

dont even know how to begin describing the beauty of this place and its location. i guess the first thing to mention is that when we send out an ad next time to recruit new people, "wanted brilliant ppl with excellent academics and interested in..blah blah" we should add a criteria "please dont be tall..er..our top guys are short and we dont want then straining their necks to speak to you..so if you are above 5'10", go take a hike. we are not interested."

yeah..how would the guy stand with his held high if he goes beyond that height..the total height of the office is just that plus a couple of inches. go walk on the ramp dude.

and just for our convenience, the AC is so close..its in our face...and im not saying this for effect..its actually in our face..maybe they thought when we are bored or in the dumps, we could just look right in to the air vents of our AC and whisper our thoughts to the cold-air-spitting beast..ACs that double up as shrinks..who could have thought of that...the brain work of my boss..am i impressed or am i impressed?

coming here is like some adventure sport...climb steep, dingy terrains..slippery floors..make your way through a maze of obstacles...manouver through animals of dangerous species and finally come to this office which can easily classify as a venue for holding world rock climbing championship. and even after this if you havent satiated your adventure thirst, start using a computer..that normally very dull and boring looking task suddenly takes on the avatar of this exciting and adrenalin pumping adventure, when you know there is no earthing in the office and every PC is a dare...not just a routine machine where till yesterday you spoke to your friends and socialised..and ofcourse worked occasionally.

and then (yeah here come the topping on the dessert) hunt for water..yes hunt! and if you arent the skilled hunter, then for you we have the pond from where all the animals drink but im sure your pet dog would refuse that water. (come on, being a dog doesnt take away the right to hygiene...working here does). (and yes..i brought all this upon myself..thank you!)

and i dont even want to start on the net access...i have tears welling up in my eyes right now...sob sob..stop laughing..friends are very important in life..never under estimate the importance or necessity of a good social life and true friends..(the friends in need types)..how should i connect to the world? the global being that i am..

so, at the cost of repetition, when i thought last year, where i see myself in one year's time..i couldnt have asked for a more thrilling job place..(i still dont know about my job..im trying to figure out what im supposed to do..really i am..and ive figured out that surfing the net is not in my profile...a good start..the rest too will come about).

till then im very happy with the place..im basking in the glory of the results of my own decisions. and the latest decision is that i need to out source the decision making..any takers?
P.S.: if a person is known by his work place, im the meanest, lowliest labourer. :(

if you dont understand..you are not supposed to

you try
you sacrifice
you suffer
you put up
you tolerate
you keep shut
you keep a brave face
you bend
you reason
you still continue when reason says otherwise
you become furniture
worse than an animal
you give up your joys, your freedom
you give up your friends, your priorities
you give in your self respect
you reason
you compromise
you think
for what
for whom
are you really getting anywhere after all this
you try again
one last time
then another
you fail
then one day you realize that you owe someone something
its you
you owe yourself dignity
you owe yourself respect
you owe yourself a life
you owe yourself some pride
and you owe one very special person some peace (she sees you)
you shrug
you throw your sail in the wind
its your master
maybe you'll find happiness...you keep faith
maybe you'll be unhappy...but you were anyways
nothing to win and nothing left to lose
this is good life
a good point to start
optimism at its best? maybe

"goli dene ke 'n' tarikey!!" recounted by Hash!!

yes...this is the topic i mentioned in the last post..suzie asked me to write on this.

for the unintiated "goli dena" is something like ditching people, sort of making excuses to avoid meeting them and other things on these lines...get the idea? ok..technically, i never gave goli to suzie..he just thought i was doing that..if i am unwell and i tell you im unwell and i cant come out..doesnt mean i cant even stand and come down below the building...and if i say im in pain doesnt mean i cant take pain killers and be fine in the next 2 hrs...so thats that for you suzie..
so no golis for you..

but then there's hash..he read the last blog and rechristened 'goli' as chaati' ...thats what his folks call goli..and he felt that he is sailing in the same boat ..it was like this statement stirred some deep sentiments within him...

he actually sat with me and went through the ways i have given him a chaati...he was like "i can easily tell you atleast 10 ways you give chaati..if not 100" ..(yeah thanks dude! what would i do without you!)

and according to him...in his words..they are:

1. im getting a call..so i have to hang up and ill call you back.. but never do. (this is generally true..i must be getting another call and that call would have ended after a few hours..)
2. i cant come out anywhere coz i have lots of work at office and im working late for a few weeeks. (you've got to show that you are indispensable somewhere atleast)
3. im already going out for dinner somewhere/ive already cooked my dinner.
4. im watching MTV Roadies..so i cant come down..(how crude can i be? i cud have refined this one..)
5. ive seen this movie. (that ive done..if a movie has been in theatres for 3 days, more often than not, ive seen it)
6. i have to get my hair colored..will take around 4 hours and ive to go to bandra for that..(it takes longer than that and dude it is a tedious job and you have to plan ahead)
7. my dad's expecting me for dinner. (see, if i say he cudnt care less...might make you wonder about his parenting skills)
8. i cant come down because what will i tell dad..(i used this only once and that day it was a really valid chaati)
9. i just disappear..:) (i accept this one...guilty as charged..inexcusable behavior)
10. this is a private line..you are not supposed to call here..ill call you back.. (dude, you called on my ceo's number.. :))

so, there you are, Monsieur hash..these are your 10 chaatis...
and what was that logic about..... if you told the 10 ways in which ive given you chaatis and suzie told the 10 that ive given him, then 10 * 10 would make it 100 ways to give goli...huh?

nice calculation, given your background and your present job...is this how you give chaatis to your clients too?

maybe, suzie hates me less after this!!!

this post is on request...from suzie..he asked me to write on two topics..i chose this one..its something which has been iterated over and over and beaten to death in many movies..and by me also..and it is "a girl and guy can never be friends..one day sooner or later (maybe from the first instant)..physical attraction takes over!!"

now, the author, at this point would like to,very categorically, state that these are the author's views and she is not trying to comment on or judge anything..she is not here to tell the general rules of the world..but only to tell how things are on her side of the fence. if the content plays with your thought process or contradicts it in any manner, she is ready to discuss it with you.

let's start:

i have a little different take on this..i will not take the credit for what im going to say...its not my original thought..this was said to me by a person who taught me a great many things in life..in today's date i disagree with most of them..im trying to unlearn them :) but this i still cant disagree with, because its been only reinforced with time and experience.

he said and i quote, "if a girl and a boy are friends, either the boy is attracted to the girl, or the girl is attracted to the boy, or one of them is enjoying some leverage out of this relation". i would just add that most times, its a combination of more than one of the above mentioned reasons.

as it is said in 'When Harry Met Sally' and as even suzie said...why would a boy even go and speak, in the first place, to a girl whom he finds unattractive. and vice versa for girls. thats not all, absy even went to the extent of saying that he wont 'waste' time (read going for movies, lunches, dinners et al) with a girl if she doesnt let him kiss her..whats the point? is his question.

and then physical attraction is like those creepy crawly creatures...it creeeps into a relation at any unexpected moment from nowhere..so, pure platonic friendships suddenly find themselves in this quagmire of physical vibes and tension(for want of a better word). and its not as if this feeling suddenly appears, its been there forever (we are programmed that way!)...its just that it suddenly overpowers you and you want to be physically intimate with this person who till yesterday was your buddy of sorts. cant say, if thats a good day or a bad day for that friendship. so, even if you didnt start with any such intention, doesnt mean you'll never encounter such a situation. and it happens. always.

having said all this, i would like to add that, as a caveat to the above rule,its also true and ive learnt that, its not like these friendships are not strong or dont last..they last and they can turn out to be quite beautiful and cherished relations. depends on the two persons involved. how strong can lust be? only as strong as you allow it to be. its ephemeral anyways..

P.S. the other topic which i had a choice to write on was " 'goli dene ke 100 tarikey', by moi". im not that bad...give me some credit now aleast!!

my car, my shrink

she has been there when i cried my heart out, she has been there when ive thought about something and couldnt help smiling to myself, she has been there when i danced like no one is watching (ofcourse seated in the driver's seat and ofcourse no one was watching!), she has been there when i cursed aloud to the people who have said mean things to me in life, she has been there when i swore my demons out to fellow drivers who have never said anything to me in my life, and she has been there when ive reasoned with myself, discussed problems and people with myself. she has been with me throught it all.


she has seen my emotions in the rawest form, like only ive seen, and no one else. I have this problem of revealing my emotions to others..but then she's not a person, which is why i could put my emotions on display before her. she doesnt get bored, she doesnt discipline, she doesnt pitch in with her side of the arguement, she doesnt correct, she doesnt ask me to see things from a different perspective, she doesnt ridicule, she doesnt empathize or sympathize, she understands, lets me be me and she doesnt judge.


and thats exactly what i want - a non-judging, good listener. how few are those? if you ask me, very. infact, they dont exist. people tend to become subjective, form opinions and impressions in their heads, they start 'type casting' you, start categorizing you and form this picture in their mind. next time, when they see you, they superimpose this image on you and you become this image plus you.

so, as i see it, revealing your emotions to someone is like suicide. its like presenting a part of yourself to others to analyze, to devour, maybe even relish, to discuss and debate and pass judgement on. i, for one, could never even stand the thought of that.

and though everybody says...you should share your emotions and feelings with others...with atleast one another person, you should confide in atleast one another person... i could never see what purpose it serves.

so, i have found this unlikely shrink in my car.. when im driving, its like 'me time'.. i am in control... im totally on my own.. basically im with myself. and thats when i talk, thats when i vent my emotions. thats what is required, right? never hole up your emotions, never let feelings simmer within yourself..isnt this what everyone always says? my car pretty much solves these problems.

i can easily say that, the best time of my day is my drive time, and this i enjoy alone. infact when i drive down to office,though i can try and take a short cut, i always take a detour..... just for the heck of driving, i never think twice about going and meeting someone on the other side of town, or driving down extra kilometres just for a better theatre, or a better mall, or taking a longer route just to avoid bad roads or traffic snarls. having said that, i would clarify that traffic jams dont bother me much...i love to drive through them too. if things get too bad and i run out of things to think about or good music, i call up friends and speak to them.

so, thats that..it maybe an unlikely retreat but for me, it is. my safe haven. i can drive down at any god forsaken hour in the night..i always feel very safe as long as im inside the car.

that actually adds up to give too much value to a car..but then its one of the most important things in my life..the other is the cell phone...i can do without everything else (im not talking about people here)..

reminds me..the poor soul is waiting to be serviced since ages... i need to treat her nicely...see, unlike humans it doesnt complain about that also :)

feline child

they were two big black innocent, clueless eyes looking into mine..it was a bony, furry, scared body, all the size of a big mouse...they were four legs parading on my lap as i drove my car..and there was the incessant meowing... this is the first memory i have of him.

he was homeless, hungry, without his mother, he could not fend for himself let alone for food, it was going to start raining outside, and then he was the most adorable kitten and how could you ever walk past him and not feel bad for letting him be in that hell, for leaving him to his fate, for letting him learn to fight for food. i couldnt. i brought him home.

and since then its been a mad circus in my house. never a dull moment. he's the darling of my extended family. all those who used to be like "eeeewww...you got a cat, how could you bring a cat, they are cruel, they are unfaithful, they are wicked, they leave you and go away..." and all that, now love him...except su ofcourse. she's scared of him...yeah you got that, su is scared of a cat who, poor thing, is atleast 20 times smaller than her. but then we have to give it to her coz she always used to hate cats (and always tell me that i look like a cat...i quite never got the connection).

everyone asked me..."why a cat?". i never had the perfect answer to that. maybe because no dog made me feel like that...coz no dog looked at me with those eyes. coz dogs are also a bit of a hassle. and I NEVER INTENDED TO HAVE A PET. i never thought about bringing him in. it was not like the only aim in my life was to own a cat one day. no, i just saw him, couldnt walk past and got him home. thats it.

and he does the most adorable things (clawing the sofa not included). he starts meowing his lungs out as soon as he hears me taking out the keys to get in the front door. he meows outside my bedroom as soon as i put my feet on the floor in the morning. he doesnt let me wash my hands or face in the wash basin before i let him drink from the tap. and he leads us all to the kitchen drawer where his food is kept...you go where he is taking you or he doesnt let you walk.

and is he a sleepy head or is he a sleepy head? at any time you look at him when he is not waiting for food or running after insects or staring at pigeons with his mouth watering, you can always catch him sleeping or trying very hard to keep his eyes open which automatically close if he has not moved in the past 60 seconds. he hates the water and getting wet or taking a bath. and he bolts and hide behind pillows if the bell rings and there are strangers in the house or we use the grinder or vacuum cleaner :)

this i say like a very proud mother that my cat is almost a pup. he knows when im about to enter the house. he gets all excited and happy on seeing me. clambers all over me, doesnt let me do anything till i pick him up and cuddle him. and no exaggeration, he even licks my face, though biting lightly is his way of showing affection.

all said and done, at times when he cuddles upto me in my blanket at night and refuses to move away even when i push him away, at a time when the one thing my dad told me when i went to see him in the hospital was that the cat came and sat with him and sniffed him head to toe when he was in great pain, at times when i wake up with this cuddly thing right in my face, and at times when im low and lonely and he comes and sleeps in my lap, i know that this cat is god's gift to me.